Losers in Krakow!

Last Friday in Gdansk, Poland’s major port city, a pregnant well wisher, 36 armed Interior Ministry Police and 23 Environmental Protection officials waved good bye to 47 losers who were willing participants in a scheme to rid Poland of its bloodsucking, expatriate, pseudo-artsy scum.

In exchange for $30 US, a bottle of Wyborowa vodka and 7 clean pairs of white underwear, the ‘Krakow 47’ boarded a Taiwanese fishing boat via Roman catapult with a view to returning home through McAllen, Texas.

But just two days out of the port of Gdansk, Environmental Protection officials lost all communications with the vessel. The 7 crew are believed to have thrown themselves overboard after some of the illegal losers began playing their musical compositions through a series of networked MacBooks.

Commodore Piotr Wasniewski, from the Polish navy theorized the methods behind the mutiny. “We thought we had erased all music from their hard drives but apparently some of them had secreted memory sticks and hard drives in their rectums, producing them when out of port. “We have been informed that many of these guys have had their heads up each other’s asses for so long they could have smuggled out a Fiat Maluch or if they wanted to. We considered a cavity search prior to departure but our only mini-submersible was exploring U-boat wrecks in the Black Sea. “There just wasn’t time. “We were willing to trust these guys, but in hindsight these plagiarizing, pimple popping peanuts couldn’t be trusted with a pregnant schoolgirl and a can-opener.”

According to Environmental Protection Authority insiders, some of the expat losers had resorted to sleeping in each other rectums on a time-share basis as Krakow’s rentals increased with ‘gigs’ and teaching hours becoming scarce. “From around 2002, these microscopic, incestuous communities progressed from shallow puffery to shameless communal ass-kissing and finally reaching such a utterly demented point that by 2008, some expats were using newcomer’s asses to store musical equipment and park Mopeds whilst at work. “There were also reports of a party for 6 people being held in the colon of one particularly overweight, local, goateed, sycophantic journalist.”

The Environmental Protection Authority had been accused of dragging its heels by allowing the fish-assed beggars to spend years polluting the airspace of Krakow’s seediest, unpopular bars with repetitive slag hidden behind an on stage façade plagiarized from the wardrobes of Tokio Hotel and Punky Brewster. It was only until a spike in cases of prolapsed rectums at JP2 hospital came to the attention of Sanitary Department officials that a full investigation began in to the practice known as ‘Ass Garaging’.

But for many, the writing was on the wall even before the Sanitary Department stepped in. As the US dollar crashed, English became the official language of Poland and young Krakovians began to feel the influence of the outside world. The bubble had well and truly burst, creating a raucous tsunami of influences which flushed the toilet on a generation of expatriate impersonators ranging from Leonard Cohen, Kurt Cobain, Bruno Schulz, Van Gough and Gilbert Gabriel.

“It just became too hard to stand out in the crowd.” Said Marcus Witherspoon of Seattle. “When I arrived four years ago, all the Polish guys were wearing adidas sports clothes and had shaved heads. “My retro Asics Tiger trainers, MacBook (256mb RAM), nose-ring and pseudo-Celtic tattoos got me more attention in 6 months than I’d had in my entire life back home. “Then one day I woke up and everybody was wearing pointy two-tone Bally brogues, Moschino stove-pipe jeans, pastel Fred Perry polo shirts, Burberry V neck lambswool sweaters, Paul and Shark navy pea coats, oversized Gucci glasses frames and carrying black MacBooks in Hermes laptop bags! “It was my worst nightmare come true.”

To make ends meet, Marcus is resorting to working nightshift in some of Krakow’s sleazier bars and establishments. Prostitution has apparently become rife amongst those stranded in the now gold paved streets of Krakow. Some however see it as a pertinent comeuppance for the former pouting primadonnas. “It’s nice to get your cock sucked by a guy who came here on the pretense of our good exchange rate and our pretty girls!” Said Mateusz, who enjoys his open sexuality in the liberated, shiny and gay streets of Krakow.

Losers in Krakow will keep you up to date with the location of the Krakow 47 who are believed to be using an iPhone compass application to locate a new base for their baseness.

Popularity: 63% [?]