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Several weeks ago Jim McBride, a local expat from Denver, was living on the smell of an oily rag. Behind in the rent, unable to afford even the cheapest Polish washing powder to wash his clothes by hand, picking up cigarette butts off the ground on Plac Nowy in Krakow’s “Jewish” district - McBride had sunk as low as an expat Loser can go. He’d even hocked his beloved guitar at the pawn shop, resulting in his exclusion from the band he’d set up two years earlier, “Jimmy McBride and The Frugal Three”.
What’s more, like many local expats, McBride’s love life was severely troubled. He found himself in a string of relationships with young and beautiful Polish women all of which went as sour as a crate of Kefir (Polish sour milk) left out in the sun.
“The main problem I had was a lack of restraint,” said McBride yesterday, sipping cocktails in his massive penthouse apartment commanding a top class view of Wawel. “As soon as I got a girl’s number, I’d send an SMS message. Like, within 20 minutes. Then I’d keep sending them. I made myself so easy to get they were instantly repelled.”
Polish women, adept in games of the heart, saw McBride for what he was: a Loser.
McBride realised that he made most of his fatal mistakes whilst under the influence of alcohol. “I’d send SMS messages when drunk and in need of sex. The result, needless to say, was bad. When things turned rotten, I’d send abusive messages. My typical Friday or Saturday night led to a hangover the next day, and a mournful few minutes spent going over the messages from the night before.”
It was whilst nursing such a hangover that McBride thought of the brilliant idea that has made him so rich: a mobile phone able to detect kebab juice on your fingertips, and alcohol content levels in your blood by breathing into a tube attached to the phone. If the presence of kebab juice is detected on your fingertips a warning message is produced which reads: ‘Do you really want to send this message? Are you in a sound state of mind?” If alcohol and kebab juice are both detected, the phone automatically locks down for the next 10 hours.
At the end of the interview, a gorgeous blond emerged from McBride’s bedroom, where apparently she’d been sleeping in. She walked over to McBride, planted a big kiss on his lips, then wandered off to the bathroom. “My present girlfriend,” said McBride, somewhat sheepishly.
The future is bright for good old Jimmy. No more girl or money problems! Oh - and he still hasn’t bothered to get his guitar out of hock. With his newfound wealth he’s actually purchased the vintage Fender Jaguar guitar that once belonged to Kurt Cobain.
So next time you’re down in the dumps, fellow expat Losers, spend a few minutes thinking about Jim McBride and just what might be possible if you get off your lazy asses for something other than walking to the bar to buy your next beer.
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April 13th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
yes yes
Thats a great idea?
What about a 16 inch sandpaper dildo for the writers at ‘losers in krakow’?
The point of this site was lost a long time ago and this is seriously the most boring article on it.
‘D’Hudson’, didn’t they sack you for being a paranoid cry-baby?
April 13th, 2008 at 4:01 pm
I Quit!
Actually, I quit! And it seems someone has posted an incredibly foolish article under my name. This is outlandish. I am going to take the vermin that run this website to court… Well, guess I’ll just have to get to the back of the line - as it is undoubtedly a long one. Not that they have any cash or credibility to lose - so it would be kind of pointless. Like life.
April 13th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Article Rating
This is one hell of a stupid article.
Running out of material guys?
April 14th, 2008 at 12:19 am
good article!
actually, i think it’s a good article. much more interesting than the usual bohemian-bashing that takes place on this site! the author - be it d’hudson or someone else - has made a real attempt to write SATIRE, not INSULTS, usually the preferred "comic style" of losers.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:24 am
?
Kebab juice finger reader?
I really, hate reading the articles of this person!
They are so weak in comparison to the othre writers and there is sense of him trying to ‘catch up’ to the skill of the other writers!
I dont think its an education matter but the other writers are simply more intelligent than this person. Losersinkrakow is good, but this guy lowers your quality really bad.
We still like your site….
April 14th, 2008 at 3:28 am
no way..
This article is not DHudson’s finest, but as far as article quality is concerned creutzfeldt is the bottom notch on the totem pole. His articles rarely exceed 2 paragraphs in length and apparently the spellcheck has yet to be discovered.
April 14th, 2008 at 3:31 am
DHUDSON
Hi,
I spent the night with Dhudson one night after he introduced himself as Dhudson after a short conversation about this website.
He was caring, made me tea, got me really drunk, let me stay the night and even gave me 2.50 zloty in the morning for a tram back to Nowa Huta.
I never got to see him again, but I’ll always remember his smile, tight pants, and method of lovemaking which was like being put in a blender.
Thank you Mr Dhudson, I’ll never forget you.
Keyvin
April 14th, 2008 at 6:50 am
my suspicions…
I personally suspect Creutzfeldt has left every comment on this page, including this one!!!
April 14th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
NOT Jakob
I didn’t comment here. You’re just ashamed that your article is BS.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:46 am
Wonderful
What a great story. I’m so happy that D’Hudson is back on board, on the LIK team. I always admired his style, and his strong sense of satire. Keep on writing Huddie!