Losers in Krakow!

For many Losers in Krakow this year, Christmas sucks - big time. Wanna know how to get rid of the Krakow Christmas Blues? Read on…

Christmas. Remember how it used to be, dear Loser. Yes, in your middle class suburban house in USA, Canada, the UK, Australia, Zealand - wherever the fuck you are from - the festive season was, well, just that: festive. You would find Santa had filled your sack with gifts, there were more presents beneath the trees. Your mother cooked you a lovely meal and perhaps you would all sing Christmas carols. Then, one year, your parents got it wrong. They decided to give you a nylon-stringed guitar for your thirteenth birthday. Thus did your life change. Normal existence was no longer enough for you. You wanted more. You began fantasizing, staring at yourself in the mirror holding that guitar, and imagining an admiring audience. By your fifteenth year, you were wearing a beret. Smoking pot. La Boheme. You wanted it. And now, look at you: washed up on the shores of Cracow, in search of adventure, an escape from suburbia, fame. But it’s Christmas day, and you ain’t got enough money for your next 6-pack of Tartra, let alone a ticket home to see the relatives. You’ve called Mum. “Listen,” you’ve said, “wouldn’t you like to see me?”

“Yes, darling.”

“Can you wire some cash?”

But your mother has said no. It’s not because she’s doesn’t love you. It’s because enough is enough, you’re an adult now, and you can’t keep borrowing. Take on responsibilities.It’s about time, isn’t it? Would you like to speak with your father?

Bitch. She doesn’t understand. She never will.

So here you are, and yes, you’re a little blue. The Skype calls you made home at the local Internet cafe on Christmas Eve (you were the only customer) just weren’t enough to cheer you up. You feel lonely. Lost.

Perhaps it’s a time for reflection. Is this really the right path for you, living in Krakow? What have you achieved? This is what you ask yourself sitting at home alone as you light up a roach, and drink, sadly, the remains of a bottle of vodka found beneath your bed… You know you’ve got to do something. Otherwise you’ll succumb to real depression. But what?

Take heart, Loser expat. We’re here to help. Our Christmas gift for you wankers is advice on chasing away the Chrissie blues. Here are some options:

1) Get an invite to a Polish Christmas, yes, a real authentic one, and see how depressing this affair is. The guests all get dressed up in their Sunday Best and sit stiffly at the table. Carp is the main meal, which is absurd enough, but more to the point you’ll feel the pathological hate in the air, present in most Polish families, especially when they’re cooped up together in some tiny apartment. Look through the window. See the blocks containing other apartments just like the one you’re sitting in. Close your eyes and imagine, for a moment, just how it would REALLY be back home. Any different? Arguments? Wasted money of presents? Fuck that. You’re better off here. Get out of the apartment quick now you’ve remembered how depressing Christmas can be, go home, get drunk alone.

2) Take a bus to a distant village, enter a little church, and try to make a confession to a priest in English. This small adventure will have no point to it whatsoever, but it may take your mind off things.

3) In the dismal confines of your shitty little flat, burn your guitar. Realise you will never be famous. Make a New Year’s Resolution (early one) to change your life. This will empower you. You will feel better. Decide that after Christmas you will accept the fact you are just an English teacher, and will never be famous. Acceptance is good.

4) Be brave enough to cry. But only after the ninth Tatra beer. Do not call your mother when crying. This will spoil her Christmas, you selfish little prick.

5) Call all the expat friends in Krakow you have lost over the previous 12 months including ex band members, people you borrowed money from and never paid back, people on whose floor you crashed for too long, people whose girlfriend/boyfriend you fucked. Apologise. Ask them over. They will come because they will also be feeling alone. Embrace. Feel the love. Decide to start a new band.

6) Write a song. No. On second thoughts. Don’t do that.

Oh, bullshit, who are we kidding? All these ideas are really lame. The Polish people will actually have a lovely Christmas, and yours will be shit. What can you do about it?

Make sure you’ve gone back home by next December!

See ya!

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