Losers in Krakow!

Watch out Hollywood! Here comes Loserwood! Roger Cormon’s cult classic “A Bucket Of Blood” - a 1950s satire on the Beatnik Generation - is to be remade in the cafes and bars of Krakow, entirely funded by Losers In Krakow. Believe it! Or not!

While every other rag and website devoted to Krakow expats has thankfully gone and died an unholy death in recent months (we won’t name names), Loser in Krakow has not only survived, but is on the up and up. Secure in the knowledge we’re now the only voice in the media for local expats, we’re branching out people, whether you like it or not. A large amount of cash injected by an anonymous and shadowy Eastern European source into our PayPal account is not only enough to keep us in Tartra Beer and Kebabs for the next decade, we’re also going to make a movie.

Losers in Krakow has purchased the rights to Roger Cormon’s “A Bucket Of Blood”. If you don’t know this film, you should. Made in the late 50s, the plot revolves around a nerdy waiter and busboy working at Bohemian cafe teeming with beatniks and colourful hustlers. The waiter is jealous of the swinging social lives of the creative types who hang around the cafe and wishes he could be part of the crowd. A twist of fate answers his wish after he accidentally kills his landlady’s cat, covers it in clay, and is heralded as a visionary genius. He starts killing people, covering them in clay, to build up an exhibition, the local bohemians thinks he’s amazing, and on it goes. [FULL DISCLOSURE: I just copied most of this paragraph from the back of a DVD cover.]

Do yourself a favour and watch the trailer to the original film here before reading on.

Do it!

Now it’s fucking obvious that this story can be easily transposed to Krakow, and it will be a sure fire hit in suburban cinema complexes everywhere (which will help Losers fund their plans for global domination). Here some draft ideas we have:

Main locations: Cafe Szafe will probably feature as the beatnik cafe; other contenders include Massolit and B-Side

Soundtrack: Crow Dad and 100 Years; possibly New Century Classic

Set Design: Losers in Krakow

Production: Losers in Krakow

Editing: Losers in Krakow

Cinematography: Otto Von Scumbag, with technical advice from Krakow’s only non-white Alaskan photographer

Direction: Jakub Creutzfeldt or possibly Oliver Stone, but Stone hasn’t done anything good for ages, in fact he’s never done anything good, so we’re leaning towards Creutzfeldt (plus Creutzfeldt can be paid in kebab currency; Stone wants hard cash (Euros))

As for main roles, we’re considering:

The Artist: Thymm Chase

The Poet: DEFINITELY John Marshall

The Musician: Crow Dad

The Cat: D’Hudson

Fell free to comment on our choices, or give some new ones. We still need to raise a bit of cash for this venture, so if you’d like a big part then please let us know how much you want to invest, and we’ll consider your offer.

“Love is Art… Art is Love”… Now go and watch the movie’s opening credits for a nice lesson on how to perform a poem!

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