Losers in Krakow!

Le Scandale

If I had big muscles, some Chinese character tattoos and a girlfriend with white boots I may consider this Polish former hedonistic cruise-liner barman owned monument to neuvo-riche sentiment. Popularity: 26% [?]

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Momo

For those uninformed, Momo is Krakow’s hub of healthy eating; a meeting place for local artists and rally point for local neo-lefty goose-steppers. Some find the prices a little exy, others the the portions too scrimpy. To find a way around this, I began seeing one of the staff. Whilst this gave me the opportunity to [...]

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“New” Piekny Pies

The complete antithesis of the first Pies, previously around the corner. Stylistically, think Guantanamo Bay with padded chars and chrome accents, MDF pressed toilet doors, square plastic windows attached to Medieval archways. Downstairs, an empty dance floor in a cellar makes you question the meaning of life. The death of the original Pies leaves a [...]

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Cien

Inflated Warsaw prices in a bar filled with cheap and cheesy art installations. Self labeled as a “concept club”, but we don’t quite understand.  An orgy of ideas, creative dance and food sculpture. Popularity: 21% [?]

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Frantic

Dance floor is lubricated in kebab juice, blood and Southern European seminal fluid to assist in funky dance moves. Popularity: 21% [?]

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Moment

The name reflects the amount of time required to deduce this place is not worth patronizing. Popularity: 21% [?]

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Lubu Dubu

Has gone too far with its “commie” decorations fashionable since Tesco moved in to town. THE place to meet a fresh faced Polish student, new to town and therefore naïve to the ways of expat Losers and scruffy backpackers looking to pick up. Music: Depeche Mode, Pseudo Echo, The Cure, and Polish “hits” from the [...]

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Caryca

Looks like the flat of a Polish grandma on xanax with kleptomaniac tendencies, after it was taken over by her “groovy” seventeen-year-old art student grandson. All the little “commie era” knickknacks were clearly purchased at Hala Targowa market on a Sunday, from some old Polish drunk dude who needed cash fast for a bottle of [...]

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Prozac

Better to spend one week in Kitsch than a night in this club. Expect a UK stag party to arrive at any moment, under the influence of / smelling of porn, strippers, shooting, beer, sheep and crumbed cutlets. Polish girls in mini skirts, white cowboy boots and their mother’s false eyelashes. Popularity: 22% [?]

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Alchemia

Goth interior with creepy stuffed animals covered in dust and the saliva of Brits sitting by the bar and shouting for another beer. Sour-faced lesbian barmaids with bald heads, again fashionable since Britney Spears shaved herself. Jazz and klezmar concerts downstairs, which nobody turns up to because they are overpriced. A haven for the myopic [...]

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