Losers in Krakow!

Many is the time we’ve been contacted by confused male expats who are trying to make it big in Krakow’s local band scene. They want to know one thing: how to deal with women. We can’t handle the barrage of mail and answer all of you individually, and so instead we’ve discovered an excellent education video which we suggest Loser musicians watch repeatedly before their gigs. The video is here.

Please go watch it before reading on.
OK, have you watched the video? If not, go and do it, Loser!!! No wonder you’re not succeeding! You don’t listen!
Points to notice:
1) You need to look fucking cool. This band is COOL. Clothes, smiles, ability to play instruments - they’ve got it all. Note also that Nicholson has an AWESOME PONY-TAIL. Pony tails are not very popular in the local band scene. RECTIFY THIS. Grow your hair long dudes and tie it back. Get a babe playing flute in your band
2) Fill the room with other babes doing lithe snake-like dancing. Then even Losers In Krakow will come to your show, and will even pay good money to get inside
3) Get an incredibly attractive groupie to take magic mushrooms before you play and sit in the middle of the room staring up at you in wonder. This gives you extra credibility
4) Have a Jesus-like / Charles Manson type freak enter the room and cause havoc in the middle of your song
5) Make sure you have a guru with a headband to meet you after your show and give advice on spiritual matters, groupies, and to ask about “your philosophy”. Make statements about the reason for your clothing style like “individual against the conforming society”
6) Remember: it’s not about the money, it’s about the pussy. Everyone in a band knows this. Check out the way Jack handles women. You too will have them eating out of your hand before you know it
Watch this video again and again before you go out and play.
Things not in the video you should think about including:
1) Bongo player in a leather jacket
2) White socks
3) Shiny second-hand 80s clothing
4) A bag of Coke to give to important people and groupies in VIP room (Tartra beer and kebab are not always enough)
5) Jakub Creutzfeldt on lead guitar
6) Huge WE LOVE LOSERS IN KRAKOW banner on stage behind your band
7) Laser lights
Smoke machine
9) Any kind of tranny
10) Bono
11) Jay-Z
12) A machine that blows gold confetti into the crowd when your band performs a “hit song”
Well, that just about does it.
Do everything we say and you will succeed.

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